E3 2011: Liveblog – Ubisoft Press Conference

Holy lord I need an IV right now. I’m drained from typing this shit, so I’m going to let Matt take over the Ubisoft conference. I started to trail off in the last conference, so I don’t know if any of this stuff is making sense. I hope so. With the Microsoft and EA E3 press conferences out of the way, it’s time to roll on over to the Ubisoft conference. Hopefully Joel McHale is back this year to bring some comedic flavor to an otherwise heavily scripted E3 press conference lineup. Let’s get our feet propped up, because it’s almost showtime. So Matt, enjoy whatever crap Ubisoft shows off this year. Maybe it will be a sequel to that retarded tag game last year.

• Justin’s heading home and I’m here (Matt) running this shit. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
• If there is live action laser tag again this year, I’m setting this place on fire.
• Looking forward to demos of new Assassin’s Creed and Ghost Recon Future Soldier!
• Kicking it off now. Make me proud, Ubisoft. Make me proud.
• Ubisoft celebrating its 25th anniversary, starting off with a nice video montage. Yves Guillemont taking the stage now.
• Yves talking about the history of the company, thanking everyone for support over the past 25 years. Tiny applause, people looking forward to getting on with it.
• Rayman: Origins now. Michel Ancel, Creative Director on stage. Some really really bad Shakespeare playing. Yeah, that was awkward. Ubisoft is good at awkward.
• I’m guessing no Joel McHale at this point.
• Showing a demo of Rayman Origins. Two players showing off now. Playing the Xbox 360 version of the game.
• Very nice art style and the gameplay is very reminiscent of classic Rayman. Almost reminds me Earthworm Jim with the art style.
• Quite a bit of variety in the stages being shown. Michel Ancel keeps saying how difficult it is to play. Doesn’t look that hard to me… That’s what she said.
• “Something is coming” … That’s what she said (expect a lot of these)
• This demo is going on pretty long. Sure, the levels have different styles and look great, but we get the point. It’s Rayman. It’s a platformer.
• Demo over. Looks impressive. I want to play it.
• Aaron Priceman on stage now. Dubbed “Mr Caffeine”. Hyper as hell. Let’s tone it down, buddy.
• Do we need misogynistic dick jokes? The industry is already male-driven enough.
• Please tell me this guy isn’t the host instead of Joel McHale this year…
• Driver time. Showing off some classic looking gameplay of what it would have looked like in 1986. Great. Get to the new one.
• Please insert Disk 2 joke. Yeah.
• Now time for new Driver: San Francisco
• Trailer time for the game. Looks roughly the same as it did last year. Nothing special yet. Some nice licensed cars in there. Lamborghini Gallardo FTW.
• Ubisoft Montreal team taking the stage to show off new game where you’re Jason Brody. Crazy jungle atmosphere where you get kidnapped and same guy starts talking about insanity. Yeah, he’s insane. You get dropped down a clip into a pool of water with a block tied to your ankles and have to free yourself before you drown.
• Really stringing us along before letting us know exactly what the game is. We’re guessing Far Cry 3. Looks like Far Cry, feels like Far Cry, but who knows with Ubisoft.
• Stealing a guy’s knife, stabbing him with it, then throwing the knife into another enemy’s neck = WIN.
• Swimming across a river past dead bodies is a creepy touch. Really trying to immerse you here. Than jacking a helicopter and forcing the pilot to take off, before getting hit with an RPG and crashing. Yeah, this looks pretty good.
• Guy who talked about insanity is back to try to kill you again. Far Cry 3, coming 2012. Looks pretty nice. Ubisoft is dubbing it “THE surprise of the show”.
• Mr Caffeine is back. I miss Joel McHale.
• Randy Pitchford from Gearbox on stage to announce a new Brothers in Arms game. Solid.
• A new take on World War II games. That’s good, because WW2 is pretty played out.
• Team of soldiers called “The Furious Four”. Stitch, Crockett, Chok, and Montana. The trailer is CGI and has a somewhat Team Fortress meets Inglorious Bastards feel to it. Coming in 2012. Looks solid.
• Film inspired games never work. Spielberg and Peter Jackson on screen talking about The Adventures of TinTin. I don’t know about this.
• Based on the applause in the audience, I don’t think many people there are excited either.
• Mother of God, Mr Caffeine is annoying. Saying “shit” doesn’t make you better.
• Ghost Recon: Future Solider time. This is one of the games I’m really looking forward to!
• Demo time. Hoping for a longer, more in-depth demo than what we saw at Microsoft’s press conference this morning.
• Man, these overlays and weapon HUDs are just awesome. Gameplay looks damn fun.
• Four player co-op! Screen just lifted to unveil the other team members are playing on stage too.
• Running through crowded streets with freaked out civilians, taking out baddies. Can someone give me this game today, please?
• Big firefight at an oil rig. Stealth goes right out the window and instead moving from cover to cover taking out enemies.
• It almost feels like cheating with all the crazy tech tools at your disposal. Who cares, it looks fun.
• Calling in an air strike to take down attack choppers. Yes. Yes I want this.
• Synchronized kills, most intuitive cover system, augmented reality. Looks fantastic.
• Ghost Recon Online coming to PC and is absolutely free. Complements Future Soldier.
• Looks damn good for a free online shooter. Not sure if it’s browser based or downloadable, but you can bet it’ll be microtransaction supported. Beta coming soon. There will be links between both titles to allow you to carry stats and achievements over.
• Mr Caffeine is trying to make jokes. And failing miserably.
• Now talking about maniaplanet. I guess it’s casual time. Trackmania 2 is first up.
• Trailer is up now, showing in-game with player generated content.
• I’ve never been a big Trackmania fan. Trackmania 2 debuting in December.
• Shootmania for FPS and Questmania for RPG coming soon.
• This press conference is obnoxious and annoying. Mr Caffeine needs to be removed.
• Raving Rabbids Alive and Kicking on Kinect now being shown off. In case you ever wanted to beat the shit out of virtual Raving Rabbids, you can. Whack a mole style game being shown.
• Four players in stage now to play Fill the Shape - you have to contort your bodies in a way to fill the shapes. Yeah, seems great.
• I hope you can detect my sarcasm.
• Raving Rabbids Alive and Kicking coming out November 8th.
• I wish they kicked Mr Caffeine. I want to stop writing about this and destroy my television.
• Are you fucking kidding me? More dancing games? These classic game style clips are getting old quick too. I didn’t think Ubisoft could make their press conferences any worse from the past couple years. I was CLEARLY wrong.
• Just Dance 3. Great. I don’t care. I’m going to take get some scotch. Lots of scotch.
• Rocksmith. Really? After the music game bubble popped HARD, you want to bring more music games? People didn’t jump to real guitar from Guitar Hero and Rock Band. Why are they going to buy another game for this?
• Now Your Shape Fitness Evolved 2012. More fitness for Kinect. And you get to share with people online. I’m sure people will buy it, but how many fitness games does one person need?
• I’m actually get angry at this press conference. If it wasn’t for Ghost Recon Future Soldier, Far Cry 3 and Brothers in Arms, I would have broken something by now. Ubisoft needs to get their shit together.
• Finally getting to Assassin’s Creed Revelations. Again with the crappy old school clip. We just want the real game.
• Mr Caffeine getting the crowd to cheer. They’re cheering because you’re leaving the stage. Ugh.
• Ubisoft Montreal out to show off AC Revelations. Bring it on!
• It’s all about CGI trailers today. I want to see gameplay and get some details on what’s going down. Maybe Ubisoft is going to do the same did last year and show gameplay at Sony’s press conference.
• Trailer looks badass, CGI or not. You’re seeing ghosts of Altair.
• Demo time - real gameplay. Word to yo momma.
• Looks much like the past two AC games, which isn’t a bad thing at all. You’re Etzio on the trail of the Ottoman.
• If you’ve played any AC game in the past, I have a feeling you’re going to love this. Dropping smoke bombs and taking out enemies with your special sight.
• Etzio has to take down a chain blockin the harbor before he can get out of town. Takes out a few enemies and destroys an entire lighthouse tower to drop the chain.
• In case any of you were wondering, they’re using the PS3 version of the game here.
• Flamethrower guns have a special place in my heart. Setting the harbor on fire and blowing up all the other ships. Etzio is a bad ass.
• Now he’s running from ship to jump in the usual Assassin’s Creed way of jumping, swinging and climbing to make his way to safety.
• Etzio finally makes his way over to the ship he’s sailing away on. As they leave, you see the harbor in ruins with all ships on fire. The game looks great.
• Animus cuts to error screens, then you see a gate - it could be a way for you to mix with Altair in the game.
• Mr Caffeine back to end the show. AC was great, but I want to punch this guy. Repeatedly. In the face.
• And that’s it. Press conference over. Time for me to snag some dinner and get ready to Sony!