There’s just something not cool about a name like Pokémon (which sounds a lot like Poke-a-man in Jamaican) which features a bunch of underage kids fiddling with tons of little balls and an unhealthy outlook on the possibilities of putting random animals to beat the shit out of one another for the sheer cause of enjoyment. Oh look, a Squirtle! Let me take him from his peaceful swamp - or wherever the hell he comes from - and have him clamp on Pikachu’s ass. Good Squirtle. Here’s a dry shrimp. Back in the undersized uncomfortable anal bead you go, my tortured aquatic friend.

For those of you UK Pokémon fans out there drooling over the next installment of the franchise, I have some awesome news - looks like you guys will be getting Pokémon Platinum - a Pokémon Diamond and Pearl on steroids - in May! Yipee! The game is practically the same as the previous versions, Pokemon Yellow, Emerald and Crystal - pretty much the same adventure, but with a bit of new features and areas to explore.

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