There’s just something not cool about a name like Pokémon (which sounds a lot like Poke-a-man in Jamaican) which features a bunch of underage kids fiddling with tons of little balls and an unhealthy outlook on the possibilities of putting random animals to beat the shit out of one another for the sheer cause of enjoyment. Oh look, a Squirtle! Let me take him from his peaceful swamp - or wherever the hell he comes from - and have him clamp on Pikachu’s ass. Good Squirtle. Here’s a dry shrimp. Back in the undersized uncomfortable anal bead you go, my tortured aquatic friend.

For those of you UK Pokémon fans out there drooling over the next installment of the franchise, I have some awesome news - looks like you guys will be getting Pokémon Platinum - a Pokémon Diamond and Pearl on steroids - in May! Yipee! The game is practically the same as the previous versions, Pokemon Yellow, Emerald and Crystal - pretty much the same adventure, but with a bit of new features and areas to explore.

And if you’re not going nuts over that, you’ll be happy to hear that there are new ways to now play online via the Wi-Fi Plaza over Nintendo Wi-Fi connection; and the ability to save your most commended victories in the Vs. Recorder. Crying with excitement yet? If not, this will do it to ya. Ready? You’ll also get to explore new Distortion World free from the shackles of time and space, and an appearance of Girantina (which sounds more like a vaginal STD) in it’s new Forme, the “Origin Forme.” Wow! Isn’t that super awesome, Pokémon friends? Yes, yes it is!

According to Nintendo, “The Global Trade Station from Pokémon Diamond Version and Pokémon Pearl Version has been expanded and renamed the Global Terminal, where you can check out other people’s battles,”

For those of you Pokémon fans, this is just great news. There’s just something so filling in having random creatures duke it out for attention and a cozy home inside a sphere the size of a kiwi. The game, without a doubt, looks like fun - ain’t gonna lie. Hell, I’ve played tons of Pokémon when they released that whole Skittles rainbow pack (all them colors) on Gameboy Color. But… time’s changed and I’ve grown. I’ve done the whole adventure thing with that fake-ass Terry Bogard, Ash Ketchum. I never figured out, though, why in God’s name these Pokémon never teamed up and enslaved humans if they were so strong? And what’s with the whole “Gotta catch ‘em all” slogan? What happens if you do? Psh… unexplained answers that I am so looking forward to knowing. Poor bastards.