There’s nothing better than surfing the web for random images (i.e. fisting a furry feline with fat hands) while you eat a good ‘ol bowl of Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch. There’s a sense of accomplishment in finding something out of the ordinary and knowing that people put up the dumbest shit in the world, and that I can find it. However, there are some things that, seriously, are just ridiculous.

While searching the web for something educational - as I always do - I decided to feed my gamer crave by searching “The World’s Hardest Game” on the Google search engine. And, to my surprise, a bunch of blue links appeared on my screen. Each containing the exact same match as my search string. So I click on the first link, www.onemorelevel.com, which contains a shitload of flash games and I’m presented with “The World’s Hardest Game”… that is, literally, the title of the damn thing.

Like the cocky bastard that I am, I shrugged off the title like every other game that held that very legendary description (Contra, Persona, Ninja Gaiden, etc) and decided to take it head-on. There’s no such thing as “The World’s Hardest Game,” right? I mean, you either suck or you don’t. Yea.. ok. Note to everyone: If you’re very impatient, do NOT attempt playing this game. It will result in broken household items, destroyed computer peripherals and animal brutality (if you have pets).

I click the “BEGIN” button and, right off the bat, I’m pimp-slapped by a cartoony hand which is already telling me that I’m going to be the game’s bitch. Wow. A game that pwns you BEFORE you play it. Of course, I throw a couple of “Fuck You, bitch!” lines at my monitor and yell that I’m ready to go like an antsy football team getting ready to pound some ass. The game begins.

Enter the new-age porn music that loops infinitely while you play the game. (I honestly don’t know if it’s the music that drives you insane or the game itself. Could be some psychological “thing”). You’re presented with a bunch of blue balls on the screen and a red square. The red square is you, the player. As the game progresses, the objective of the game becomes to get the yellow balls ***without*** the blue ones touching you. Easy, right? Absolutely not.

The game is so fucked up that it gives you infinite lives. INFINITE. It humiliates you by recording the number of times you’ve died on the top right corner. Not only that, but it eventually mentions something about your mother. It pimp-slaps you, humiliates you, names your mother and fucks you beyond belief. Whoever made this game wanted the player, if so gullible, to commit suicide after a play through.

So, the first couple of levels were OK. The majority of the game is really based more on patience and patterns than anything else. The thing is your eyes begin to go cross-eyed after a while. The room spins, you begin seeing purple elephants and children suddenly begin to laugh in your ear. You go insane. I almost took my keyboard and halved it on my knee, but sanity kicked back in. The game was Ike Turner and I was Tina. I got beat beyond belief. I, seriously, came out bruised from playing it. I got to level 19 with 786 deaths.

I. Will. Never. Play. It. Again. Period. It’s something that has, seriously, pushed my patience to the brink of madness. You think you can do better? I dare you to give it a try. If you’re sensitive to mother jokes, or impatient, I suggest you skip this. Otherwise, be prepared to feel the wrath of this porn-music playing, balls promoting, mother-naming, pimp-slapping Flash game. And here’s the link:

http://www.onemorelevel.com/game/the_worlds_hardest_game

And post your score so we can laugh at you, please.