David Hasselhoff is known for molesting wrinkled puppies after taking a bath. But whenever I hear the name “David Hasselhoff”, I think of the douche bag that didn’t know how to eat a burger while drunk. Hell, I can do the pretzel drunk while feeding myself a DOUBLE cheeseburger. Hold that, Hoff.

Apparently Hasselhoff, the ex-star of shows such as Knightrider and Baywatch, has posted on the official PlayStation blog to announce the marvelous news that he is starring in the PSN downloadable game, PAIN. May God have mercy on our souls.

“Hello everyone, it’s your friendly neighborhood David Hasselhoff here. I know you’re probably wondering “What in the KITT am I doing on the PS Blog?” right? Well…settle down…settle down! I’m here to let you know straight from the Hoff’s mouth – I’m coming to PAIN! And it hurts so good! Don’t believe me, PEOPLE Magazine just broke the story and I’m talking about it on my blog.

What am I doing in PAIN you ask? It’s the Movie Studio! What’s a movie studio without The Hoff? You can now put The Hoff into a launcher and fling me into harm’s way – exploding crates, cars, people – everything is fair game. And best of all, you’ll never even put a scratch on this mug of mine!”

If you really thought that was the best part, it only gets better. The Hoff has also recorded a cover version of Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me” just for the game. No, really. I swear on my mother’s eyes that’s the truth.

The new movie studio, music cover, and Hasselhoff, will be hitting your PS3 on November 6. Do you know the mass hysteria this is going to cause in Germany? This is why Gears of War 2 wasn’t approved by the ratings board. They totally knew that the Hoff was coming. Him and his mullet-curls of a hairdo.