November 19, 2008 – 2:00 pm
Developer: SEGA Publisher: SEGA Release Date: 1983
GOOD LORD I DON’T REMEMBER MEMORY LANE BEING THIS BORING…OI.
Well, it took me long enough. Here’s my first Colecovision game review. For those of you not in the know (or the care for that matter), the system was released in 1982 - the second generation of video game systems. Now, this was back in the time before lawyers were needed at every turn. The video game market wasn’t as vicious back then. Hell, Nintendo’s Donkey Kong was the pack-in game with the initial release. Of course, some could speculate that Colecovision’s ability to play Atari 2600 games may have fueled that particular legal end of the fire. Who knows.
Anyways.
While Buck Rogers: Planet of Zoom certainly wasn’t a instant classic (or any kind of classic for that matter), I was a fan of the show. So I played it. So there.
And since there wasn’t much to the game, this will be a particularly short Retro Review. “So why do it Schwinghammer?!” you ask?
Because bite me. That’s why.
So that being said, let’s dive in, yeah?
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November 12, 2008 – 9:00 am
Developer: Squaresoft Publisher: Nintendo Release Date: May 13th, 1996
What do you mean Bowser’s not so bad? Who the F**K is Smithey?!
Hot damn it’s good to see Squaresoft and Nintendo getting along together again. Of course, some of you may not remember the rough spot in the companies’ history - it wasn’t pretty to say the least.
And one of the best examples of this reunion is the re-release of Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars for the Wii. This is a favorite even among the RPG elitists.
Interested? You damn well should be. Hit it!!
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October 5, 2008 – 4:00 pm
Publisher: Interplay Developer: Interplay Release Date: 1994
NOTHING LIKE A GOOD OLD PICK AND FLICK ADVENTURE!!
Seriously, how friggin’ nineties is this game? In a time of Koosh Balls, Micro Machines, Tamagotchi, Stretch Armstrong and Toxic Crusaders, Boogerman fits right into the mix. I wonder how it would fare these days? Not that there’s anything over-the-top about the premise, but with today’s “sue everyone” attitude (something that was still a humorous, fledgling concept in the early-to-mid nineties), who knows what would happen to a company that dared to “encourage kids to attack and defend themselves with their own mucous.”
And for those of you who have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, well, just click the link. You might learn something. Something useless of course, but still.
Anyways…
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September 7, 2008 – 10:00 am
Developer: SCEI Publisher: SCEI Release Date: 1-31-97 (JP) 9-30-97 (US)
Think You’re Smart?
I remember being so addicted to this back in the day. I was in college and my good friend Zac and I used to get trashed and play this for hours on end. Seriously. This was considered to be the Tetris-killer when it first came out.
Of course now nobody remembers what the hell this game is. But hey.
Anyways. Read More »
August 24, 2008 – 10:00 am
Developer: Rareware Publisher: Midway Release Date: Oct. 1994
ULTRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
So. Since whispers of a new KI release have been heard over the past few months I thought it appropriate to do a Retro Review of it’s original release from 1994. Any of you that remember KI know that it was famous for its incredible graphics, lightning-fast gameplay and its monster combo system. Not to mention its great characters.
So with that in mind let’s get going shall we?
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August 15, 2008 – 5:00 pm
Developer/Publisher: Data East Release Year: 1991
Uugh, it is very early in the morning for me. What the hell is a caveman Ninja anyways?
Everyone knows that we here at Loot-Ninja are very avid gamers. We constantly challenge ourselves and never back down from any difficulty level. We will tear off your heads and shit down your necks - with gusto. Your parents will be crying in a corner as we stand on your head victoriously.
But sometimes we just aren’t in the mood for any neck-shitting, y’know? We’ll be sitting at home with some beer or whatever and don’t feel like decimating some faceless schmuck online. “What do I want?” You ask yourself. And then there’s the answer.
Two little cartoon things jumping and flailing and throwing bones at other little cartoon things that are jumping and flailing about. We just sit back and play through a game that any nine year old can beat.
Now you may be thinking to yourself “Wow Schwinghammer, you’re way off the mark! I want to be dragging some asshole out of his car in GTA IV and beating him with his own shoes.” So go friggin’ do it already!! But first ask yourself, when was the last time you just laid back and relaxed with an ol’ Hop-n-Bop game?
Been a while, hasn’t it? Read More »
August 9, 2008 – 12:00 pm
Release: 1993 Developer: Sega Interactive Publisher: Sega of America
Restoring Balance In The Universe Through Goofy Sprites
I will say that first and foremost I am a fighting game fan. I remember the first time I played Karate Champ on the NES back in 1984 (hmmm…possible retro review material there). And even though it was clunky, glitchy and …well…shitty, I got chills up my spine every time I landed one one my opponents noggin.
It was either that or Diphtheria.
Anyways.
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Developer/Publisher: Konami Release: 1992 CPU: 68000 @ 16Mhz
Display: Raster - 288×224 pixels (Horizontal), 2048 Colors
“WELCOME TO DIE!! -Magneto
In the world of retro reviews there is always one given: the reviewer is usually in his/her thirties. For many of our younger readers, this may seem…what’s that word…awful. But for those of us who were around in the young to middle years of the video game industry, it simply means that: A) We have more points of reference, and B) We appreciate things that back then were truly awesome.
The X-Men arcade game was one of those truly awesome things.
So here we go. Read More »
Developer: Capcom Publisher: Capcom Designer: Tokuro Fijiwara
Release Date: 12-12-1988
Bionic Commando for the NES (also known as Top Secret: Hitlers Revival in Japan) was a sequel to the popular arcade game of the same name in Japan (Top Secret). Not too many people remember that. What they do remember is the blistering difficulty the game was known for. Now I’m sure some of you were thinking “Hey, I’ve played that and it wasn’t too hard…pussy”. Those people can bite me. As I played through a couple of days ago, I’ll admit it wasn’t as hard as it used to be. But it was still goddamn hard. Remember, at the time, lots of us were used to Mario-esque platformers. And seeing as how Bionic Commando had no jump button, you can imagine the frustration. It wasn’t unlike ripping out one of our thumbs. But at the same time, we were introduced to the joys of killing Nazis in video games.
Sigh, memories. Read More »
Developer: Nintendo EAD Publisher: Fuji Television (DDP), Nintendo (SMB2)
Designer:Shigeru Miyamoto Release Date: 7/10/1987 (DDP, Japan), 10/10/1988 (SMB2, US)
I’m sure by now that a many of you know SMB2s dark little secret (though probably less so these days..damned information age). In 1988 the release of the newest Mario game was in fact not a Mario game at all. But a conversion by Nintendo of a game called Yume Kōjō:Doki Doki Panic (“Dream Factory: Heart-Pounding Panic”)- a game based on a story of a family - Papa, Imajin, Lina, and Mama - go out on in adventure in an Arabian novel (known as ‘Subcon’ in SMB2). And of course people feel two ways about this: those who believe that because of the characters were Mario based that it was a true Mario Game. Then there are those who believe that because the game was not designed to be a Mario game from the ground up, it didn’t warrant a ‘real’ Mario label. I suppose both sides have a point. Although Miyamoto did have a heavier involvement in DDP than the actual SMB2 in Japan (the lost levels here).
As for myself - I hate to say it, but I lean towards the ‘not a Mario game’ slot. For me it has to do with the initial intent (but hey, that’s me).
Anyways. Read More »
