Developer: SEGA Publisher: SEGA Release Date: 1983
GOOD LORD I DON’T REMEMBER MEMORY LANE BEING THIS BORING…OI.
Well, it took me long enough. Here’s my first Colecovision game review. For those of you not in the know (or the care for that matter), the system was released in 1982 – the second generation of video game systems. Now, this was back in the time before lawyers were needed at every turn. The video game market wasn’t as vicious back then. Hell, Nintendo’s Donkey Kong was the pack-in game with the initial release. Of course, some could speculate that Colecovision’s ability to play Atari 2600 games may have fueled that particular legal end of the fire. Who knows.
Anyways.
While Buck Rogers: Planet of Zoom certainly wasn’t a instant classic (or any kind of classic for that matter), I was a fan of the show. So I played it. So there.
And since there wasn’t much to the game, this will be a particularly short Retro Review. “So why do it Schwinghammer?!” you ask?
Because bite me. That’s why.
So that being said, let’s dive in, yeah?
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Wow. Umm…not too exciting this week. Oh well, if every day’s a sunny day, then what’s a sunny day? The new Street Fighter homage in Pinball FX is definitely cool though. I suggest you check it out.
Dooo it…
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Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not a huge fan of people. They’re annoying and stupid in large groups and aren’t much better individually, to be frank. From this attitude birthed my love of video games – no people required. I know that multiplayer and co-op have blown up as we’ve seen an increase in online gaming. And while that’s good and all my attitude towards people remains the same, why the hell would I want to interact with a person online when I don’t want to interact with people in the flesh?! “I don’t” is the answer. So, I currently represent a shrinking number of gamers. Boo.
Now this whole ‘online revolution’ really shouldn’t affect me much. But as time goes on I’ve noticed a seriously annoying trend – short single-player campaigns.
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Developer: Squaresoft Publisher: Nintendo Release Date: May 13th, 1996
What do you mean Bowser’s not so bad? Who the F**K is Smithey?!
Hot damn it’s good to see Squaresoft and Nintendo getting along together again. Of course, some of you may not remember the rough spot in the companies’ history – it wasn’t pretty to say the least.
And one of the best examples of this reunion is the re-release of Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars for the Wii. This is a favorite even among the RPG elitists.
Interested? You damn well should be. Hit it!!
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Publisher: Activision Blizzard Developer: Etranges Libellules Release Date: Oct. 21st, 2008
Hey Spyro! Lookin’ good! Why are you limping?!
You have to wonder how many people have forgotten about the Spyro series. Since its inception on the Playstation 1 back in 1998, the series has been steadily losing steam and fanbase. And although this entry has great graphics, a great voice line-up (Elijah Wood, Christina Ricci, Wayne Brady, Gary Oldman, Blair Underwood and Mark Hamill), a Lord of the Rings-esque story/setting and an interesting elemental power setup, there is still a heap of basic things done wrong that keep this game in the bargain bin at your local gas station.
Let’s see what the damage is, yeah?
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Publisher: Ubisoft Developer: Ubisoft Montreal Release Date: Oct. 21st, 2008
I SWEAR TO CHRIST IF I HIT ONE MORE FRIGGIN’ ROCK…..
I’ve always been a fan of the Far Cry series. The first one was gorgeous and engaging. Instincts had a great feral ability setup and a great cover system. And Predator was…well, like Instincts but less interesting. I suppose every series has to have its blemishes.
And now we have Far Cry 2. And if two words can be used to describe what separates this game from the others, they would be wide open. Good lord this dense jungle is friggin’ huge.
Welcome to Africa folks.
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I JUST POOPED A LITTLE!!!
Developer: Digital Illuisons CE (DICE) Publisher: EA Release Date: November 11th, 2008
It’s really no big secret that I’m not a huge fan of EA these days – they buy up too many of my favorite game companies. Leave the little guys alone for shit’s sake.
Anyways.
I always thought that the danger of a more generic, uninspired view of making games would become more prevalent as more games fell under the umbrella of one company. I believe that still. But Mirror’s Edge is one of the few titles that make me think that EA could still move a couple genres forward if they felt like it.
Check it out.
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JUST ME AND MY LITTLE EDITORIAL…
Seriously folks, I think I have a problem.
So I’m at the bar a couple of days ago and my buddy Jeremy is bartending. As I drink my Captain and Coke, he’s talking about how he loves his roommate’s Xbox 360 and how he would love to get a PS3 when he got some money. As a huge fan, I immediately bring up GTA IV. Much to my chagrin, he doesn’t really dig the game all that much – he thinks there wasn’t enough to do (he prefers GTA: SA and GTA VC). I guess he has a point. But man, do I love GTA IV.
Then it dawns on me. I don’t have GTA: SA anymore. Having foolishly traded it in at the local Gamestop (which I’d rather piss glass than do these days, by the way) when I saved up for my first 360. It’s the only console GTA I don’t own. Admittedly, I wasn’t all that “wowed” by the PSP GTA’s. Fun of course, but a little too “more-of-the-same” for my tastes in the long term.
Anyways, the next day I go to pick up my beloved 360 Elite (my fourth 360 to date) from my buddy’s house (I let him borrow it for his birthday). I get it home and check out what I’ve missed on Live and *POOf*! There’s San Andreas staring me in the face (1,200c is a bit much I think but ehh, fuck it).
Then it dawns on me. Which is my favorite in the series? It’s not an easy answer for a game geek, let me tell you…
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Publisher: Virgin Interactive/Electronic Arts Developer: Paradox Development Release Date: Cancelled (Supposed to be Oct. 1998)
I believe that sometimes it’s important to take a look back at hot stories from years past and compare the relevancy of those stories against society as it exists today.
And I really can’t think of a story more worthy of this comparison than Thrill Kill for the PS1.
Have no idea what I’m talking about? Well then you should click on the link then shouldn’t you?
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“You know, shame can be such an ugly word. When it’s used describing one’s self that is.”-BJ Schwinghammer
Any of you who have been following my writing so far – though you probably exist in small numbers – know that I consider myself to be a fairly hardcore gamer. Especially when the money is available. Perhaps ‘Video Game Whore’‘ is more appropriate these days.
Anyways.
But these days there are very few people out there that know of my dark, terrible secret that is my relationship with the ever-popular Grand Theft Auto series. All the way back to the beginning…
Hooked yet? I’m pretty good at that yeah?
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