This is an original feature to Loot Ninja. Caveat Emptor is a legal term for “Buyer Beware”. We give you the heads up on mistakes we have made buying things.
This week: Buying Video Games From China on eBay.
Mistake: Believing that you can buy a copy of Tetris for the DS from China for your wife so she can get in to gaming and you will actually receive a copy of Tetris for the DS.
Reality: The doorbell rings and you package from the Far East is waiting for you. The second you open it, you realize that there is trouble afoot. This is not the game you ordered. This is not even a legit game at all.
Outcome: The fuckstick who swindled you in China has not only sent you Tetris for the DS, he has not sent you a licensed DS game. Breaking the honor code of eBay, he has sent you your very own bootleg copy of Super Mario Bros DS. The game is in Mandarin Chinese, which you don’t speak. The game does not work, in which you are not surprised. He could have sent you 3 boxes of butt plugs which you or your wife could have at least gotten some use out of.
Final price: Your wife thinks you are a jackass because you can’t even buy a game right. Your 20 bucks is in the hand of some scumbag. You are left with the video game equivalent of frozen duck shit. Your trust in mankind is fading and that charity you sometimes give to can go fuck themselves.
Caveat Emptor: Matt Banks who bought Tetris DS for his wife so she could get into gaming and allowing her to get dick slapped from 9000 miles away.
This is an original feature to Loot Ninja that will continue to debut every Tuesday. Caveat Emptor is a legal term for “Buyer Beware”. We give you the heads up on mistakes we have made buying things.
This week: Special underwear that triggers an alarm when you piss all over yourself.
Mistake: Thinking that last shot of warm whiskey right before you leave was a good idea. Neither were the 17 beers and 5 Jack and Diets. Also thinking that your body can somehow hold several gallons of liquid while suffering from borderline alcohol poisoning. Furthermore, buying a device to tell you that you pissed yourself.
Reality: You wake up covered in piss. Don’t really need a special device for that. Maybe waking up freezing covered in urine will tell you the same thing the small attached alarm will: You pissed yourself again. Now, you are soaking wet and an alarm is letting everyone in the house know that your bed is now a wave pool. No need to hide the sheets. They already know.
Outcome: You are covered in piss. Nothing much to add here. Also, the 400 bucks you spent is not going to offer much help. You don’t have some psychological fears or repressed molestation. Drank way too fucking much.
Final price: You are the brunt of jokes at IHOP the next day. The alarm woke up the girl sleeping next to you. Not only is she thrilled she was given an impromptu golden shower, she is woken up by an alarm clock attached to your nutsac. She is also covered in piss. Most, not all, but most girls aren’t down with that. Might want to wait a few days to call her back.
Caveat Emptor: Grown man who spent 400 bucks on training undies for little kids only to find the undies do you no good but serve as a startling conclusion that it is gonna be another long walk to the laundromat.
This is an original feature to Loot Ninja that will continue to debut every Tuesday. Caveat Emptor is a legal term for “Buyer Beware”. We give you the heads up on mistakes we have made buying things.
This week: Eating at a Strip Club
Mistake: Deciding to forgo eating at a restaurant that has regular Department of Health inspections and requires shirts and shoes. Last time I checked, people don’t wear pants at strip clubs. You’d be lucky if the truck driver sitting next to you has showered this week.
Reality: The $5 buffet during halftime of the Monday Night Football game was refilled by a stripper wearing nothing but stilettos and a G-string. Every straight man loves topless women. Not every straight man wants them handling their food.
Outcome: Food poisoning is the most likely result. Strip clubs are not known for their cleanliness. They make bowling alleys look like The Four Seasons hotel when it comes sanitary proficiency. Maybe you might just get pink eye if someone bare-assed farted near the baked ziti.
Final price: Depends on your medical benefits and how bad you got sick. Hopefully a few days of missed work. Then when you have to retrace your steps to see where you got food poisoning and have to tell your doctor, friends, and hopefully not wife you ate lunch at a titty bar… you can kiss any sympathy good bye.
Caveat Emptor: Grown man who needs to eat with boobies in his face.
This is an original feature to Loot Ninja that will continue to debut every Tuesday. Caveat Emptor is a legal term for “Buyer Beware”. We give you the heads up on mistakes we have made buying things.
This week: Drinking Jager Bombs at the Jersey Shore not only make you hammered, they make you turn into a giant douche bag.
Mistake: Actually believing that the chicks in the corner staring at you think your popped collar and awful smelling drink want to bang you.
Reality: The Jager Bomb gets you drunk, hyped, and angry all at the same time. Mixing absurd amounts of stimulants (Taurine and Sugar) and depressants (Trace opiates found in Jagermeister) all taken in one fell swoop are a recipe for disaster. Also screaming “Jager Bombs!” at the top of your lungs to let everyone know you came to party doesn’t help the case either.
Outcome. You’re hammered. You spent a shitload of money. There is spilled yellow/brownish fluid on your pink Polo (collar still popped), and the girls are nowhere to be found.
Final price: You came to get laid. Epic fail. Might as well go pick a fight.
Caveat Emptor: Chicks don’t dig blacked out idiots fist-pumping covered in booze and energy drinks.
This is an original feature to Loot Ninja that will continue to debut every Monday at 5 pm. Caveat Emptor is a legal term for “Buyer Beware”. We give you the heads up on mistakes we have made buying things.
This week: Sack of ten White Castle sliders versus the human digestive system.
Mistake: Actually believing that eating 10 hamburgers would result in anything but nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Basically. the worst parts of the Bible.
Reality: White Castle sack of ten is a greasy Leviathan, hellbent on ruining your work week one shooting pain at a time.
Outcome. Self imposed social exile is the only plausible solution. Anything else, you are setting yourself for utter disaster and criticism amongst peers, both work and non-work related.
Final price: If you’re reading this, its too late. Accept your fate like a man. Eat a sack of ten once, shame on you. Eat a sack of ten twice, you deserve every minute of it.
Caveat Emptor: Hungover, slightly high college student looking for a cheap lunch.
This is new weekly feature at Loot Ninja. Every Monday at noon, I am going to bring you something or someone to watch out for. This mostly encompasses advice for not buying things gaming related but will also sometimes give you the 411 on things you need to be aware of.
Suspect: Old Man Watching Porn at Work
Last known whereabouts: Sitting in his office watching online smut with the door wide open.
Distinguishing features: There is porn on the screen. Also note the pictures of his children to the left; usually he flips it down so they can’t watch. Sometimes he doesn’t.
Instructions: Approach with care and do not engage in a handshake or touch anything in his office. He is able to bring down firewalls and kill bandwidth with terabytes of streaming porn, so don’t try to stop him.
Conclusion: Many people watch illicit material on their computers. Most do it at home. Steer clear of Old Man Watching Porn at Work, he may work right next to you. Chances are he is watching porn as you read this. Caveat Emptor.
Photos obtained from Loot Ninja Field Agent 069. Hit the jump for more evidence.
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This is a new feature to Loot Ninja. Caveat Emptor is a legal term for “Buyer Beware”. We give you the heads up on mistakes we have made buying things.
This week: Matt Banks buys a dwarf rabbit in 2001.
Mistake: Pet store owner told him that dwarf rabbits live for 2 years.
Reality: They can live up to twelve years.
Outcome. The rabbit is allowed to roam freely in the living room on the weekends. It loves to chew video game cords. This week, it destroyed his Xbox 360 Rock Band drumset.
Final price: It looks like Buddy is going to be here until the next presidential election and right around the time the PS4 comes out.
Caveat Emptor: Matt Banks
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