Straight from the “Too Good to be True” files, comes a tale of star-crossed love, jealously, and hilarity. The popular game Second Life, which allows real life people to portray alter-egos and pretend to be something they cannot, has made the news for all the wrong reasons. The hot piece of ass known as Kimberly Jernigan, 55, tried to kidnap her ex-boyfriend, of Second Life. The two met in real life recently and the man was no longer interested in her. Likely because she looks like the female equivalent of Chunk from Goonies. Anyway, this is where the lady goes bat shit.

Kimberly allegedly drove to her ex-boyfriend’s Pennsylvania workplace and attempted to kidnap the man at gunpoint. Apparently she couldn’t even manage that successfully, and had to come back two weeks later and track him down to his Delaware home, posing as a postal worker to find his address. After cutting and removing a screened window to gain entry to the man’s house, she lay in wait for him with a set of handcuffs, a roll of duct tape, a taser, a BB gun and her dog Gogi.

Her foolproof scheme failed after the man simply ran away, having entered to find a laser beam pointed at his chest. Kimberley had fled soon after, but her dog was discovered bound in duct tape and abandoned in the bathroom to stop him making noise. She was found an hour later in Maryland and taken into custody after a “brief struggle” at a rest stop.

I went to school in Delaware and know exactly where this happened. I can’t knock the idea of Second Life. People sometimes want to be something else besides themselves. There is nothing wrong with innocent imagination, but when some lady attempts to kidnap someone because she probably did not look like what she said she did gives the whole premise a feel of violation and insecurity. I hope to God the cops tased her. She now gets to spend close to the rest of her First Life in a comfy women’s prison.