We have had a few days to think about what exactly went on at the video gaming industry’s biggest awards ceremony on Saturday.  A slew of celebrities (and wanna-be celebrities) came out in droves to pay respects to this year’s best games.  I set my DVR to record the VGA’s on Spike this year (as I do with all of my TV shows) and watched it late Sunday afternoon.  I’m glad I did just that, because there were a few things I saw that I’m glad I was able to fast forward through.  Hit the jump to find out what exactly those moments were.

We first have to set the stage for the night with the help of our good friend Geoff Keighley over at Gametrailers TV.  He has of course hyped and pumped the living shit up about this year’s VGA’s and all of the EPIC game reveals we were supposed to see.  I’m sad to say this though Geoff, but I was very disappointed with pretty much everything that went on at the VGA’s.

We wonder why huge A-list celebrities don’t take video games and the industry seriously, and the proof was evident as soon as Jack Black took the stage.  He proceeded to act like a whiny 5-year-old kid (classic Jack Black style) with his king cape and crown in front of what I can only assume is a gargantuan-chested Amazon woman with a 20lb sword.  Really?  This is how you are going to set the pace for the rest of the night?  Horrible acting and scripted shenanigans? Great!  I loved the Joker/Mark Hamill opening but after that I just set the DVR to fast forward so I don’t have to hear the audio of this abortion.

Next comes the Elizabeth Wilde segments, which were okay (I really wanted to bone her on that Tron lightcycle), but who needs to hear those dorky virgin gamers off to her right screaming and whistling like they have never seen a sexily dressed woman before?  Way to go dudes, way to make all of the gamers out there fit into that virgin living in the basement stereotype.

Snoop Dogg and his entourage of 4th graders dancing around? Skip.  The tortured animal mating sounds of the Bravery’s lead singer? Pass.  Hearing Steven A. Smith get put in his place by the head honcho over the PA and told to “just announce the winner”? Priceless.  I’m sorry Mr. Smith, but if I want to hear shitty Tiger Woods sex jokes I’ll go to my local Laugh Factory.

Then at this point I’m hoping for the saving grace of the show.  Please VGA’s, give me something.  Something I can take away from this and write as a positive post on Loot Ninja.  Who were the next presenters?  The douchebag asshole cast of Jersey Shore and Mike Tyson.  Nonetheless trying to be funny.  It was HORRIBLE!  Gouge my f-ing eyes out!  Gee, when was the last time we saw Mike Tyson name his fists as “cracked rib” and “concussion”? Only every 5 minutes.  That’s his thing, but I don’t need to see muscle pumping Jersey abs on my TV!  Tyson needs to get back to telling people he will eat their children (preferably babies) so I’ll be happy again.  If calling his fists names is Tyson’s thing, then why didn’t Snookie or Pookie or whatever her name is get down on her knees and start blowing someone?  That’s her thing right?

All of those hyped up game reveals we were supposed to see? Where were they?  All I saw was a bunch of pre-animated fake CGI that doesn’t mean shit to me? No game play to speak of.  Batman: Arkham Asylum 2 = CGI, Halo: Reach = CGI, Spec Ops: The Line = CGI that was made to look like gameplay.  I could go on here, but you get my drift.  Some of the notable games that were announced at the Spike VGA’s:

I already mentioned Batman: Arkham Asylum 2.  The first game has only been out for a mere 6 months, to rave reviews no less.  We all knew with the success of the first installment that it was getting a sequel, but we didn’t know it was coming this soon.  This doesn’t really count as a big reveal, but it just really shows how money grubbing Warner Bros is at riding a successful franchise into the ground (we can also probably throw Valve in there for L4D2).  Props still go out to Rocksteady for winning Best Gaming Studio. They definitely deserved it with a fine product.

Green Day: Rock Band – Now I get to transport back to the 1990′s, grab my scratched up black Doc Martins, play some good Green Day from the album Dookie, and then play the rest of the emo Green Day songs in Rock Band.  This is what you guys want to follow up to one of the greatest and most respected bands in The Beatles? With Green Day?  I was honestly was holding out for The Who: Rock Band, but I didn’t know you guys at MTV/Harmonix wanted to get into makeup and help sell Rock Band black eyeliner.

Tron: Evolution – Yet another movie based video game, to be put in the bargain bin with the rest of the average movie based video games.

Halo: Reach – Once again Bungie and Microsoft Studios were able to grab the Halo fanboys’ balls and grip them tightly.  That’s right, those bawls are usually attached to the wallets.  This was just enough to wet the lips of  all of you Halo fans out there.  But where is the action shots and gameplay footage of this supposed new engine that they have worked so hard on?  Any in-game battle clips?  Nope?  It just showed a dude reloading his weapon and a nice peaceful Warthog ride through the mountains.  Wow, I can’t wait for that.  Maybe Halo: Reach is just me running around in the mountains taking pictures of various Covenant forces?

The only possible plus side to the whole night was the Medal of Honor reveal, which actually showed some gameplay.  Too bad that the actual gameplay completely ripped off the look and feel of Modern Warfare 2.  I’ve seen it and have been playing it for about a month now, why would I want to pay 60 bucks to play it again?

With all of this stupidity and horrible acting going on at the VGA’s, I really think the shining point for the show was that they got most of the awards right, with Game of the Year being the big one.  The only real big shocker to me though was to see Assassin’s Creed II get a nod and win an award after only being out for a month or so, but it’s not that big of a deal.  That pretty much sums up my take on it.  What do you think Loot Ninja gamers?