Publisher: Your Grandfather Developer: Your Grandmother

Release Date: Around Ten Years After Stated Date

Ahhh, your mom. A few decades have passed and there she is. Still after your ass to make something of yourself. “Stop playing all those goddamn videogames for Christ’s sake!! Get your ass off the couch and do your chores!!” I suppose you can’t blame her, can you? You bug her for money, bug her for food…and ruined her vagina at birth (your dad’s pissed about that one too, by the way – well done). And even if you’re one of those successful kids, she still bugs you, doesn’t she? “When are you gonna get married and give me grandchildren? Remember Billy Schmidt? He graduated the same year you did and his mother says he has a corner office that’s twice the size of yours…”

Know what the terrible thing is? There’s a really good chance she wasn’t so stressed-out and bat-shit crazy before she had you.

Sucks huh?

Your mom used to be a bit of a hottie back in the day. Yep. But years of screaming, worrying and clenching various parts of her body in anger have left her a bit haggard these days, haven’t they? The varicose veins on her body look like a road map of New York City, and her body is drooping in new and exciting ways each and every day. If it wasn’t for a handful of those oh-so-cute “Disney” moments, she would have looked like Bea Author when she was thirty-three. I suppose she has aged pretty good, all things considered. She gets herself a nice outfit once in a while, some nice shoes, gets her hair and nails done. She finally gets to treat herself. It’s been tough though, you just moved out a year ago…and you’re thirty for god’s sake. Oh well, better late than never huh?

Damn kids.

Your mom was in labor with you for what, like, seventy hours? Seventy friggin hours. And you were such a cute child. You were polite and used your manners and everything!!

So what the hell happened? Puberty and hormones start leaping around your body and lead right into those awful teenage angst years. That’s what happened. Some of you reading right now may still be in the midst of these awkward years. And as a thirty year old, all I have to say is “Ha Ha”. I wouldn’t want to be your age again. Ever. Your mom knows this also. But you won’t be listening to her anyways now will you? She’s a fucking Nazi in your life right now. I mean, sure she buys you the groceries you want and gives you pretty much the allowance you want and all…but fuck her anyways, right?

Oooo if only you knew. What she really wants to do right now is grab you by the back of your skull and ram your face into the wall. And then have your dad do flying leg-drops on your limp, long-haired emo-corpse. But nope, she puts up with your whiny, hurtful ass because she’s been there. She’s lied, stole, and cajoled and manipulated under the veil of ‘you don’t understand me’ as much as you have. Anyways, by your Grandparents account she was waaaaaay worse, though she’ll never say (admit?) that.

Hate to rain on your parade, but you’re not really breaking any new ground here. Yeah, she knows that too. And yeah, you’re all pissy over it. Whooptie shit.

In a few short years you’ll realize that you must have been mildly retarded for thinking this way. And you probably were. Friggin retard.

Thank god for your ‘formidable years’. Welcome to reason.

Overall your mom’s still pretty cool. She has you over for a nice home cooked meal whenever you want and throws you some duckets when you need them. Whenever bad shit happens, she’s the first one to throw her arms around you and tell you things are gonna be OK. Thank god you’re at an age where you can finally relate to her. Your high school years took their toll more than you can comprehend. Believe me.

So next time you see her give her a big hug and tell her that even though her Beef Stroganoff kinda sucks, she’s still the best mom ever.

Unless your mom’s an un-supportive, berating super-bitch. Then you can just say that’s she’s old and haggard and to go get a burger or something because she’s a dried-up husk of a woman and her looks don’t matter anymore because she’s a horrid person on the inside any-damn-ways.

Damn, it sucks if you’ve gotta mom like that.

Then: 7 out of 10 Now: 8.5 out of 10 (My mom’s a 10 out of 10 by the way…you reading this ma?)

Durka!!