“You know, shame can be such an ugly word. When it’s used describing one’s self that is.”-BJ Schwinghammer

Any of you who have been following my writing so far – though you probably exist in small numbers – know that I consider myself to be a fairly hardcore gamer. Especially when the money is available. Perhaps ‘Video Game Whore’‘ is more appropriate these days.

Anyways.

But these days there are very few people out there that know of my dark, terrible secret that is my relationship with the ever-popular Grand Theft Auto series. All the way back to the beginning…

Hooked yet? I’m pretty good at that yeah?

Ahhh – GTA. If ever there was a game more suited for stress relief in the 2000s, GTA is it. As much as I enjoy the tightly written storylines the rampant violence and destruction is what gets me through the really shitty work weeks (I am a wine expert-turned-butcher…how the hell does that happen?).

NOTE TO ALL POLITICIANS: I am not some dipshit psychopathic videogame schmuck with a crappy black overcoat and a penchant for real life violence itching to provide some pointless contrast to videogame satisfaction. If ever I am violent in my life, videogames are not the cause. So don’t even begin to form some insipid notions based on often skewed interpretation of past tragedies. Thanks – The Management.

*AHEM* Excuse me.

So there I sit. Mowing down the virtual masses (I’m sure most of them are assholes) and wreaking havoc upon the virtual police force (don’t worry, like ninety-percent of them are corrupt). Thank god for in-game cheats. For a couple hours or so I am a god (as long as I don’t get shot up too bad as I input the codes).

And there it is. The look of disgust and ire from some of my more ‘hardcore’ colleagues. As if using cheat codes now suddenly ranks up there with smoking and masturbation. Should I throw a sheet over myself while playing a cheated game nowadays? Is that what’s going on in the streets? Yeah?!

Ehh, Piss off.

In fact, that’s the first thing I do when I open the latest GTA game. I go online and find as many cheat codes as I can and I run around like a juiced-up sociopath fucking up as much as I can for as long as I can.

And if there’s time, I’ll start a story mission. And yes, I keep my guns. I keep them and use them. So there.

Will I play through with no cheats? Maybe. But I’ll thank you to stay out of my business – judging bastards. What I do in the privacy of my own home is of no concern of yours. That is unless of course I post it on this website.

You’re welcome.

I don’t know what happened in the last ten years. Remember the Game Genie? The Game Shark? I still have mine. I still hook them up to my old systems and have at it on occasion. That was always part of the fun for me. Doing the impossible in your favorite game. It really does help me relax. It’s almost like overnight the gaming world started taking itself far more seriously than it did before. No real harm in it I suppose, times change. I still find it annoying though.

So there it is. That’s my GTA confession.

You know, maybe I should rethink my approach to video games. Maybe I should take the time to make my way through legitimately and earn all those tense moments through hard work and my own cunning. Maybe I’ll change right now…

Maybe I’m smirking to myself. Maybe I wish you could see it. Maybe you’re mildly retarded if you believed any of the above crap. Oh well, at least it sounded good. If we can’t rib each other once in a while then what the hell are we doing here yeah?

Maybe you should throw up some cheat codes on GTA IV and pretend you’re chasing me around with Molotov Cocktails. There ya go.

Catch you cats later.

Durka!