No one can deny the mass appeal of Nintendo’s revolutionary Wii Fit. Adult and child alike are spending hours on the Balance Board trying to shed some pounds. As a male in my mid 20’s, many of the “games” on the Wii Fit just don’t appeal to me. Hula Hooping is fun for a little kid or maybe a mid-aged woman. What about the grown ass man? What will make me want to get on that board time and time again? I have 5 very good reasons.

1. The Flaming Bag of Dog Crap. The premise here is quite simple. You have to carefully walk up to your neighbor’s door while on the Balance Board. If you move too fast or wobble, you will be caught. Carefully lean over, place the bag filled with dog shit, light it, and get the hell out of there. You would run away just like you would in the Wii Fit races. You would run back to the starting point. The man with the best time wins. The closest thing I can think outside of physically lighting a bag of dog crap on fire. You can also avoid those pesky arson charges as well.

2. The Covet thy Neighbor’s Wife. We have all thought about sneaking into the bedroom of one of your buddies’ significant others. Especially when she was giving you “The Look” last time you were all out drinking. You need to carefully sneak in to the window using your balancing skills. Fast forward the sex part, that’s just creepy. Then, oh no, your buddy is back home. You can’t let him see your face, so you run through the backyard hurdling whatever is in your way. Too slow, you face embarrassment and excommunication. Get away scott free?  Just do it all over again next Wednesday during his Alcoholic’s Anonymous meeting.

3.  The Porta-Potty Feat of Strength. Imagine this scenario: Its Saturday morning. You were drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon out of a keg all night. You go to Denny’s for a Grand Slam breakfast. You are your friends go to a public beach to hang out. Then, disaster strikes. Your only option is the Porta-Potty that has been sitting in the sun all day. You look inside and glance down to the hell that is beneath you. You don’t want to touch the seat. So you hover and wait. The man who can hover the longest wins. Throw in your friends shaking the Shithouse while you are inside for an added bonus. This is a true test of wills.

4. The Bar Fight. This happens all the time. You’re talking to a girl and some douche bag in a popped collared shirt and sunglasses bumps into you and gives you the stare. Ever want to hit him in the head with a bottle? Now you can. The Wii-mote doubles as a half full beer bottle and you have to Whack-a-Douche at the local watering hole. Use the balancing board as his equally pathetic friends try to take you down. Be the last man standing and take home that borderline comatose blond girl in the corner.

5. The DUI Test. I don’t drive drunk for the explicit reasons that I don’t want to kill anyone or face the thousands of dollars in fines along with the scrutiny of my peers. Nothing says upstanding citizen like a picture in the police blotter. You have to do all the fun things the cops make you do when pulled over. Walk in a line, stand on one foot, touch finger to nose, etc. The levels of difficulty increase as you increase your level of hammered. Have the fun of failing a sobriety test without all the repercussions.