Last night I was watching TV and came across a movie I have not seen in well over a decade, Street Fighter. When it came out in 1993, I was only 12 and thought this movie kicked serious ass. Boy, was I an asshole. Watching this again through the eyes of a grown ass man, I realized how inherently bad this flick was. I understand the movie was supposed to be campy and include the likes of the video game characters. Fine. Yet there are some absurd liberties the writers of the movie take. I have decided to write a little tidbit about each character and some of the lines they say or things that just happen for no reason. Read on, its well worth it.

Guile - The apparent leader of the AN(Allied Nations, wow, original). He is a Colonel. Yeah, Generals lead armies, not Colonels. Anyway, decides to ride a stealth boat into M. Bison’s fortress. A stealth boat? Are you fucking high? I would think that in West Point you would learn that boats make waves. You can see a “stealth” boat about a mile away. He also fakes his death and stays in the morgue for hours afterward and wakes up when…

Chun Li- stumbles upon some homing device we all have to assume was planted by Guile. She also planted a device via the sorriest forward roll I have ever seen. She also claims to have studied martial arts on, count them, 3 continents. Umm, what? Lets assume that Antarctica is out. I would like to see the North American martial art of hitting someone in the head with a 40 bottle when they are not looking. Europe is known for many great things: Democracy, the Menage a trois, Crepes, but martial arts is not them. Nice writing dipshits. She has her film crew of…

E Honda - Who is obviously Polynesian and not at all Japanese. It must be hard finding sumo sized Japanese men to play a sumo wrestler. Do you jerkasses have ESPN2? His sumo career was ruined by M. Bison. Just like…

Balrog - Who had his boxing career ruined in some unknown fashion. He somehow ends up in boxing trunks and has his hands taped for absolutely no reason in the finale of the movie. Most cameramen carry these things around when on assignment. Just like…

Ken and Ryu - The two most generic characters have the most generic qualities. Asian man and white man are small time criminals who have about 4 changes of hearts in the span of an hour and a half. No hadoukens throughout the entire flick, but about the fucking worst Dragon uppercut under the sun from Ken. These jerkoffs find themselves in a gun running?? deal gone awry with the Underground Criminal Leader…

Sagat - He is the leader of some mafia type organization who is brought to justice because he breaks curfew?? at his underground lair of illegal cage fighting. This guy sells weapons. He probably has killed people. He is arrested for a fucking curfew violation and imprisoned for it. Nice touch guys. His prize fighter and associate is…

Vega - The narcissistic Spanish cage fighter equipped with his metal mask and claw attachment. He wears the mask, his trademark for about 30 seconds and somehow makes a prison shank like claw thing of bamboo that he wears, yet the armed prison guards see nothing wrong with. He ends up getting his ass kicked and never appears again at the end of the movie. He is assumed killed in the collapse of the fortress with…

Blanka - Who is Guile’s best friend now turned monster buy a few glowing bags of “steroids” which are deadly in high doses. Its a glowing bag of steroids. Its deadly in any dose. Blanka has a huge build up but never does anything except throw a henchmen or two. The doctor who creates him, is apparently…

Dhalsim - but this is never confirmed. Its fairly obvious though because he is bald, indian, topless, and wearing a bone like necklace. He forbids Guile to put a bullet in his friends head per his request, but Dr. Dhalsim says no, but lets the building collapse on them both no less than 10 minutes later. Seems fair. A quick, honorable death, from a loving friend or being crushed by rock and metal in an explosion. Nice choice. During said explosion, you see a change of heart by…

Zangief - Who is the right hand man of a war criminal, but holds a door to let people run out and is all forgiving? Umm, what?? This guy helped basically a genocide of a country and he holds a fucking door and is pardoned. Thats like letting Saddam Hussein’s sons off the hook because they let you cut in front of them at Starbucks? Now he is one of the good guys? His other sidekick…

Deejay - Is the wise crackin’ Jamaicain token black guy who serves no purpose but to reiterate a stereotype. He was once at Microsoft though, but landed the high profile job of assistant to…

M. Bison - Raul Julia was a phenomenal actor. One of his last roles was this. Bison is a Warlord of an army of about of 57 people. He has a fortress the size of a Super Walmart. He has no nuclear arsenal. but plans to take over the world. He also prints his own money, with no currency backing it. Did I mention his army is no larger than the size of a Best Buy staff on a weeknight? He also wears a cape, all the time. He is about the least believable villain since the Riddler. He gets electric powers and the ability to fly?? after being electrocuted. I wonder how many bottles of robitussin went down to write this piece of shit.

I realize that I spent about a half hour writing about a shitty movie about a video game designed for kids and how much it sucked. Thank happy hour for that. Its amazing that someone was given money or goods of value for writing this fucking terrible and emotionless piece of dog shit.

I now know what I have to do. Rent Mario Bros. The Movie and tear it apart. Better get some malt liquor for this.