Match 1: (1) Air Man (MM 2 ) vs. (8) Bright Man (MM 4)

He’ll huff and puff and pretty much blow you, away. Air man us basically all the bad things in the bible. No, not really, but if you get too close, its gonna be a Maxell ad all over again.  On the other hand, Bright man, has giant 60 watt light bulb stuck to his head. Bright man is a good friend to have in a hurricane and was last seen on QVC selling samurai swords because fluorescent bulbs put him out of business. Bright man is like the first guy you fight in Mike Tyson’s punchout, kind of old school, but still a pussy.  Air man offers to give Bright man a job, then blows him into a brick wall.

Winner: Air Man

Match 2: (3) Heat Man (MM 2) vs. (6) Ring Man (MM 4)

Heat man,  who looks like a giant lighter is a pyromaniac. Growing up he liked to burn everything in sight and has been in and out of juvenile hall. One time he lit an M-80 and burned off most of his pubic hair. Ring man has been cashing in on not the fact he looks like he has a shower ring attached to his head, but he now tells Mega sluts at the bar he was an inspiration for the whole LOTR fiasco.  I don’t know who is to blame, the person who uses the line or the girl who goes down on him in an Arby’s parking lot.  If history is any kind of evidence, you would know the heat destroyed the One ring.  Hell hath no fury like a pube-less zippo.

Winner: Heat Man

Match 3: (4) Magnet Man (MM 3) vs. (5) Spring Man (MM 7)

Magnet Man is a your average jerkoff.  He uses his abilities to erase people’s ATM cards. I mean who does that. He will just walk up to anyone and erase everything in their wallet.  One day he screwed with the wrong person. He ended up blanking all of Spring Man’s best buy gift cards he got for Kwanzaa.  Spring man celebrates all holidays. Infuriated he goes out to kick Magnet man’s polarized ass.  He manages to forget he is in fact metal and becomes completely straightened out when he gets within the dipole radius of our magnetic friend.  He is now called Boner man.

Winner: Magnet Man

Match 4: (2) Cut Man (MM 1 ) vs. (7)  Dust Man (MM 4)

Cut Man may be the odds on favorite to win this entire thing. First, he fights in a red speedo.  If that isn’t confidence, then I don’t know what is.  Secondly, he has scissors affixed to his head.  He will cut off your Johnson.  Cut man happens to be a nihilist. He believes in nothing.  On the contrary, Dust man is a vacuum.  Air man blows, but this guy sucks.  You may have remembered Dust man from his cameo in Wayne’s World when he attempts to give Garth a haircut. If you happen to spill some jelly beans on the carpet, Dust man is your best bet.  Unfortunately, this is the Ultimate Showdown and the man in the red banana hammock takes no prisoners. 

Winner: Cut Man

Up Next. The Round of 16.