Match 1: (1) Junk Man (MM 7) vs. (8) Crystal Man (MM 5)

Junk Man, having spent all of his mega credits on smack is squared off against Crystal Man who hada meth lab in his basement. Junk Man mistakes the large crystal in Crystal Man’s head for a vicodan and rips it out and swallows it. Junk Man prevails, but must make an amends to Crystal Man’s family as part of his 12 step program. Junk Man also resides in a van down by the river.

Winner: Junk Man

Match 2: (2) Needle Man (MM 3) vs. (7) Spark Man (MM 3)

Needle Man was fired from his Mega firm because he got AIDS from sharing needles. Spark man burned down his apt trying to light a roach he found in the couch. Spark man, having nowhere to live wanders into the Gayberhood searching for company and accidently steps on one of needle man’s used syringes and gets the Super Aids. One teaspoon of Super Aids in your butt and your dead in three days. Needle Man who is at bathhouse learns he has won the match.

Winner: Needle Man

Match 3: (3) Plant Man (MM 6) vs. (6) Gravity Man (MM 5)

Plant Man is a mega favorite because, well, he is a huge marijuana plant. Everywhere he goes, the party happens. Gravity Man uses his powers to make a bong out of a 2 liter diet coke bottle, a thimble and 1/8 in drill bit. Turns out Plant Man soaked himself in Raid and Gravity Man collapses in a bugspray induced stupor. Turns out, soaking oneself in insecticide is far worse than smoking it. Gravity Man awakes to find himself victorious.

Winner: Gravity Man

Match 4: (4) Toad Man (MM 4 ) vs. (5) Stone Man (MM 5)

There are three guarantees in life. Death, taxes, and a trail of Cool Ranch Doritos behind Stone Man because he is always stoned to the beejeezus. Toad Man actually doesn’t do drugs himself, people just always lick him to get high. He is the victim here. Very short and very delicious. Stone Man offers Toad Man 6 bucks to lick him. Toad Man obliges and Stone Man has an encephlatic seizure. Turns out he is allergic to Toad. You will all rue the day to lick a man, especially a toad man.

Winner: Toad Man

Tomorrow: The Sexual Predator Bracket.